Yeah, about the title...read on. You'll get it by the end.
We open with the obligatory opening montage, which was a merciful five minutes this week as opposed to the usual ten. We start with Ty and Annie about to do it on a table. Just kidding! They are at school, making out for their scene in Spring Awakening. What? Wasn't Annie in the chorus? Nope! She's understudying for the pill-popping tranny Adriana (Adritrana?), who has been absent from school a LOT. Oxycontin and Percoset have a tendency to keep people from getting out of the house much.
Meanwhile, Brenda shows her bitch to Silver by reminding her that she's the stage manager, and how it's her job to deal with the lighting if she doesn't like how the light guy is doing. Silver passes the bitch on to the lights guy, and he quits during dress rehearsal. Dixon offers to save the day. How convenient.
Naomi tries to drag Tracy out of bed, which is way too easy as Tracy just submits to Naomi's nagging. Naomi then tries to bring Charles over to see what a mess he's turned Tracy into.
Wilson catches Annie and Ty swapping spit. He freaks out at home but mama Wilson calms him down. Slut Granny rambles drunkenly on about some old lover-turned-homosexual in Mykonos as mama Wilson promises to talk to Annie.
Back to the Clarks, Naomi drags Charles back into the 90210 to find that Tracy has cleaned up real nice. Tracy finally says what's on her mind by calling Gail a whore (she is), and smacking Charles up good. Then they have wild monkey sex, like all divorcing couples do.
Mama Wilson talks to Annie about Ty. She tells her that it's OK to wait, just like Jordin Sparks does. It's harder for Annie, though, because Annie's actually attractive.
Back at WBHHS, Brenda is bitching Adriana out for showing up late. Adriana bitches Brenda back about having been a child star, so that this play is no big deal. Then, she proceeds to melt down. Then, Brenda plays good cop and convinces her to stay. Then they make wild monkey love. Just kidding!!!! But not about Tracy and Charles!!! No, what really happens is that Adriana sings for Brenda, and she sings frickin' great!
At lunch, Silver and Naomi are telling Annie that she should boff Ty immediately. She talks about how she and Ethan did it "almost immediately". Weren't they 14 when they got together? What a couple of little whores!
Silver, on the other hand, is a realist, and doesn't think Annie is ready.
Brenda, Kelly, Coach Emo talk about Adriana. They like her, but they're wise enough to see that she has problems. Kelly decided to be a bitch, and coldly suggests pulling her from the play and Brenda says no as the play is "the only thing keeping her off the ledge". Kelly and Coach Emo then proceed to condescend to Brenda about being teachers, "Be friendly without being a friend", to which Brenda says she's going to do what she wants anyway, because that's what Brenda does. (No, she just tells them to trust her, which they agree to do)
Meanwhile, Ty and Annie are rehearsing outside. He says he booked them a room at the afterparty. This is so
shades of Brenda and Dylan at the Spring Dance
, only Brenda was worried about pregnancy and STD's, while Annie is worried that the weight of another human being on her will shatter her into a million pieces. However, it seems unlikely that the writers of 90210 are going to sacrifice Annie's virginity quite as early as episode 4. Still, they're just copying the old show to make the new one, hoping that the viewers don't remember what was on 18 years ago. Of course, you can catch the Spring Dance episode on SoapNet a couple of times each year, as they play reruns of the old show, as they have for years.
Then, the Wilson parents are discussing the hotel thing. Unlike the Walshes, the Wilsons know about hotel rooms and teenage boys. Papa Wilson is against it, as he is the baby daddy of a long-lost child from his high school days. Mama Wilson convinces him to let Annie make her own decisions as Annie walks downstairs, dressed to get laid for showtime/post-showtime.
Brenda is doing vocal warm-ups with Adriana when Adriana's stage mother marches in with her Botox and her fake boobs to inform her that three agents and two producers will be in the audience at the show tonight. That's a lot of dick to suck. I only hope that Adriana is grateful for her mother's ability to be a whore, but it appears that she just got put under a little too much pressure, what with her drug habit and all.
Dad Wilson tries to talk to Annie about Ty and offers for them to go out after the show, even though she already had plans. Annie tells him to STFU and runs off.
Now, everyone is looking for Adriana, who is AWOL. Then, it turns out that she's here, just high as a kite in the green room. And by 'high as a kite', I mean enough pills were in her system to kill Rush Limbaugh. She's not on cloud nine - she's on cloud ninety-nine. This means that Annie gets to play the lead on what was supposed to be Adriana's big night. I guess Botox Mom sucked five dicks for nothing.
We're at the show, and it appears that Botox Mom didn't suck five dicks, but she sucked three dicks and ate two pussies as we meet the occupants of the agent/producer aisle. But enough about that. At this point, the show takes an annoying turn, as the director has decided to splice short scenes into longer, more important scenes, to give the feeling of fast action. This is a great writing/directive style if it's done correctly, but in this case, it's not, and you get bits of scenes that make you ask WTF that last thirty seconds of nonsense was. So I'll try to put it together the best I can:
The show: It's great. Nobody is as good as Steffi D is in the national tour of Spring Awakening, and Annie isn't quite as good as Adriana, but she's still very good. The boys sing "Bitch of Living", and you realize that this is the only high school in America that would do a musical about teenage sex set to rock songs like "Bitch Of Living".
Interspersed within this scene were short scenes of Kelly talking to Botox Mom about Adriana's possible drug use, but Botox Mom is only concerned with the dick she had to suck, and the pussy she had to eat. Just kidding! No I'm not! I'm just reading between the lines!
Silver and Dixon flirt throughout the show. Dixon shows that he's into kinky sex by telling Silver that he likes it when she's bossy.
Then, at the Clarks' (see what I mean?) Tracy is giving all of Charles' stuff to the mission in Malibu, as the divorce is continuing. Charles didn't know who to choose, so Tracy kicked his sorry, wishy-washy ass to the curb.
The show is over, and it made Ty and Annie horny enough to run out and get that room ASAP as Adriana looks on jealously. Dixon calls Silver a steaming hot pot of mean in that kinky sex way of his. Then Annie makes a creepy request for the condom that's been in Dixon's wallet for five years. You know what happens to condoms that old? They break, often causing pregnancy in the female. Oh, well. At least she'd get knocked up by a rich guy. But she's still discussing losing the big V to Ty with her brother, making for the creepiest scene ever in the history of teen-oriented television. And of course, as she departs, she bumps into Ethan, dropping her condom for him to see. What? Aren't Annie and Ethan over? Maybe not. TOLD YOU Annie's not gonna do it. Just wait.
We're back, and Ethan is trying to talk her out of boffing Ty, because Ty is a playa and Ethan, despite that he is also a cheater, is a man of virtue. Annie naturally isn't having it as she tells him she's gonna screw him anyway, and walks off.
Kelly and Brenda talking about teen drama, briefly.
Party at the Roosevelt Hotel. Ty gets the door, thinking it's Annie, but it's Adriana making up lies that she saw Annie and Ethan making out (which they may as well have been. I mean, come on!). BITCH!
Then, for a few inexplicable seconds, Dixon and Silver talk about boring shit, then they kiss.
Back to Ty's room. Annie arrives, and Adriana opens the door in a towel. She then behaves like a fake, drugged-out bitch as she tells Annie how much she loved her performance. Then she tells her that she just boffed Ty and that he's in the shower, rinsing Adriana's stale vag stank off of himself. Annie naturally runs off crying, and Adriana goes to the bathroom, revealing a running, but empty shower. WHORE! SLUT! BITCH!
Annie leaves the party a crying mess, rambling about Beverly Hills and friends with benefits and how she couldn't do that. Meanwhile, Dixon thinks he's going to hook up with Silver when he realizes he doesn't have a condom (or handcuffs, or a leather mask). Silver then tells him to put the ben-wa balls away, because they're taking this one slow.
Finally, Annie runs home, closes the door to her room, and collapses in a crying heap. Either it's over being the only girl at West Beverly who frowns on casual sex (or thinking she is), or it's over the fact that the producers of the show haven't fed her in weeks!
Check it out!
So what will happen next week? Will Annie and Ty fix their misunderstanding? Will Adriana get her first of what will doubtlessly be many interventions? Will the young women of the show get to eat? Well, I won't be watching because of a family obligation, so the review will be up next week - but not until Wednesday. Smell ya later!
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