90210 Episode 5 Spoiler

According to Kristin from E! Online, Brandon and Dylan are coming back to 90210 this coming Tuesday.

Well, not really. However, there will be mentions of them. In fact, Brenda allegedly gets a call from Dylan, which gets awkward as Kelly is right there, and gets the phone passed to her. Then, the conversation goes something like this:

Brenda: Wow, that was nice that Dylan called.
Kelly: (sarcastically) Yes...especially since he called your phone. Of course, I'm only the mother of his child, but hey, you're his girlfriend from sophomore year in high school.
Brenda: Until you stole him.
Kelly: Bitch, please!
Brenda: Face it, whore. He loves me.
Kelly: Oh, he loves you.
Brenda: Yes, Kelly. Dylan would never knock me up and leave me like he did to you. I guess that in the end, a man just doesn't respect a cheap slut.
Kelly: Fuck you, motherfucker!

Then, Kelly tries to bitch-slap Brenda. Brenda proceeds to block that bitch-slap, and then kick some prissy blonde ass.

Just kidding!!!! But according to Kristin, the call does result in a "tense" conversation. However, knowing Kelly and Brenda, it will most likely be civil outside a mild barb or two.

A man can dream, though.

Review: 90210 Season 1, Episode 3: "Breathe Through Your Ass And Reach To The Skies!"

We start our third week back in the 90210 in the Wilson kitchen, again. The drama teacher had some family emergency and had to leave, opening the door for Brenda to be offered the position. Of course, Naked Old Slut Actress Grandma volunteers herself with some over-the-top montage about breathing through her ass, reaching up to the sky, and boffing her drama coach.

Then, Naomi is preparing for a family portrait. The Clarks are doing their Holiday photo early so that Naomi's little sis, who is away in Europe at boarding school, can be photoshopped in. How 21st century! Naomi is both bringing the 80s back and being a bitch as she's still upset about her Dad Charles' side whore, Gail. She even gives her best Whatevia as the camera is going.



Mom Tracy explains to her that she doesn't care if Charles has a fling. Meanwhile, it becomes painfully obvious that the actresses playing mother and daughter are probably less than ten years apart in real life.

Meanwhile, at WBHHS, Kelly and Brenda are having an anorexic's breakfast in the cafeteria (Kelly has a small fruit salad and coffee, and Brenda is showing the restraint to pass on that fattening slice of Kiwi fruit and just having that coffee. Their small talk about Donna Martin and her baby was far more interesting than the small talk about Kelly and Ryan (Coach Emo). Her main beef is that he's ten years younger than her, but Brenda is more concerned about Kelly's still-unknown baby daddy getting in the way.

Meanwhile, Naomi and Ethan are talking outside, and she's naturally upset over affairs at home. Ethan shows his sensitive side by reminding her that just because he's listening doesn't mean that they're a couple. He's probably thinking of the BJ he got from another girl in his car a few weeks ago instead of Naomi standing there and crying all over her ridiculously 80's'd-out self.

In the parking lot, Dixon just banged into someone else's car while trying to park his SUV into a compact spot. He begs the other guy to do this outside the insurance companies so that his dad doesn't find out, which the other guy is fine with, as long as he can have the money in two weeks.

Then we see Kelly and Coach Emo in the hall. He's being a professional again and asking her out between classes. She's having trouble finding someone to watch her son, Sammy, giving Coach Emo an in to ask about the baby daddy. Kelly reveals that he's abroad, and also reveals, less convincingly, that he's a "do-gooder". Apparently, do-gooders like to abandon their families to do charity work. Kelly tells Emo that she'll try to dump the kid on someone trustworthy so that they could maybe get a little.

Annie runs into Ty in the hall and he apologizes for ditching her at the bowling alley. He then asks her out again, but she tells him no as she's already agreed to go out on a date with someone else. Ty is understandably hurt, and takes the hint and leaves.

Then, we see Naomi beg Silver not to blog about Charles' affair with Gail the whore. Remember that Silver won't forgive Naomi for blabbing about Drunk Jackie in the 8th grade, so Naomi has got a whole lot of ass licking to do. She starts by saying that she can relate now that she's no longer from the perfect family, but Silver isn't having it.

Then we're in rehearsals for the school's production of "Spring Awakening", the play that one of my favorite performers, Steffi D, is currently in the national touring production of (as Ilse!). The chorus is singing "Mama Who Bore Me", and Steffi D is probably somewhere going "WTF?" as Naked Slut Grandma Wilson is having a diva fit and telling the girls to sing like their vaginae are on fire. She then horrifies them more singing and dancing the song herself. This prompts Annie to beg papa Wilson to replace her, making a nice opening for Brenda to step in.

Then, Dixon does the predictable Brandon Walsh thing and gets a job at the Peach Pit, evidently using Brandon's exact resume when HE applied for the job back in 1990. Two things are different:

1) The Pit is now a coffee house.
2) Nat is really, REALLY old.

It's after school now, and Silver and Annie are at the Peach Pit. Silver is trying to no avail to convince Annie that Ethan isn't over Naomi and that she's an idiot for blowing Ty off (rather than simply blowing him). It is then where they discover Dixon is working there.

Back at Casa Wilson, Dixon tells the 'rents about the new job, which is fine with them as long as it doesn't interfere with school or practice, which of course means it will interfere a lot. Boring! Less boring is what's going on over at the Clarks'. Naomi is star-sixty-nining Charles' Blackberry, and finds out that Gail is still in LA and working at some boutique, making Naomi's head explode for the second time in as many weeks.

Later that week, Silver and Dixon are cramming for a science exam. OMG DIXON IS FALLING BEHIND IN SCHOOL!!!111!!shift-one!! SHOCKER!!!!

Meanwhile, Naomi's at Ethan's place, trying to be needy. Instead, she walks in on Ethan's brother, who is autistic, upset over the furniture being rearranged by the new housecleaners. Naomi stops being a bitch long enough to work her magic and calm Steven down. This marks Naomi's first moment of depth since the show began. Until you realize that this is making Ethan miss his date with Annie.

I was kind of hoping she'd remain shallow. ROBBED!

Back at rehearsals, Slut Grandma is screeching at Annie so much that Brenda has to calm her down by playing back the recording (she likes to record rehearsals). However, Slut Grandma realizes what a bitch she's been and quits the show, leaving Brenda to be the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge).

Back at school, Emo is helping Brenda with the music for Spring Awakening when he tries to pry for info, which she is not having at all. All she says is that "there's a long history" and that's it.

You know what? There are too many really, really short scenes on this show.

Later on, on Rodeo Drive, Naomi walks in on Gail's boutique and confronts her. During this confrontation, Naomi learns that not only is this more than a fling, but that Charles has moved Gail into the beach house.

And Tracy...didn't know. Clark implosion, commence.

And now for a longer scene where Silver is flirting with Dixon until he finally asks her out. Good for them, it's just like Brandon and Kelly 2.0. Only in this version, Brandon forgets that there's an exam the next morning and doesn't know the material when the tests are passed out the next morning.

Meanwhile, Emo is telling Kelly that he thinks there's "unfinished business" between her and Baby Daddy. She's pissed because she thinks Brenda blabbed to Emo about her. Upon confronting Brenda, Brenda also suggests that Kelly still has feelings for 'him'. After more arguing, it is finally revealed that the identity of the baby daddy is....drum roll please....


DYLAN MCKAY!!! SQUEEEEEEEE!111!!!!eleven!!!uno!!!



Now, Dixon's boring storyline is being resolved. He cuts back on the shifts and studies more, and Dad lends him the money to pay back the damage to the car. The other guy is so grateful that Dixon came through that they become BFFs, making Silver think that maybe she and Naomi can be friends again. Yes, the writing is that bad, but that's what we all loved about 90210.

Speaking of bad writing, Annie is now trying to get Ty's forgiveness with homemade Snicker Doodles, which is not working. She then realizes that the quickest way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, but through his dick as she kisses him. That works.

Naomi realizes the same thing and kisses Ethan back into her life. I guess her first trip to a nighclub bathroom stall without peeing is going to be delayed for a while.

And that's the show. I liked that Brenda is back, but hated that Drunk Jackie wasn't on this week. The coming attractions look to be on the juicy side, though...it looks like Annie's gonna have to put out next week! Which means she almost does but doesn't!!! OMGELEVEN!!! See you next week!!!one!!!!

Did You Miss 90210 Last Night?

Well, guess what? The CW is running it again, tonight at 9. Viva Drunk Jackie!

Read my review of the show here.

Drunk Jackie's scene!

Review: 90210 Season 1, Episode 2

It's Tuesday night, and that means it's time for more of the new 90210!

We start out in the Walsh, I mean Wilson kitchen. Everyone has a busy day and leaves Mama Wilson to sit there and probably contemplate pill addiction as the clan starts its second week in the 90210. Then we quickly cut to West Beverly High, where Ethan is checking on 90210's bitch princess Naomi. She says she's fine, but in a really bitchy way that means she isn't. She then proves that her musical taste is rancid as she's going to a Coldplay concert. Then we see Kelly and the lacrosse teacher flirting in the halls, like the professionals that they are. Then, we see Annie and Ty, who has morphed into Zac Efron, discuss their next date...which Annie doesn't get to go on, because the Wilsons are going bowling instead. It appears that Mama Wilson has chosen to arrange a family night over getting a prescrption for Xanax. Oh well, maybe next week.

Got that? That was the first five minutes. As we return from the commercial, Silver (Kelly's little sis) is trying to sleep at a shelter because mama Jackie is long since off the wagon. The counselor there isn't having it as the place is reserved for people who "really don't have a place to stay". Then she tries Kelly, but she already had plans to bang the lacrosse teacher, so Silver's SOL.

Meanwhile, Ty and Ethan are awkwardly talking with Annie as she tries to break her date. Ethan slinks off as Ty stands there looking really pretty and not acting much.

It's Friday after school, and Dixon is asking Silver to the Wilson family night, and since she wants to avoid her alcoholic mom, she accepts.

Then, Naomi, who is bringing back big 1980's hair, repeats the old Kelly Taylor storyline of getting to do something with her workaholic father, then getting let down at the last second because of some merger, resulting in an expensive guilt gift. In this case, it's a Coldplay concert and the present is a brand new BMW SUV, just like the trophy mom has. It's only a matter of time before Naomi discovers another 1980's pastime, cocaine, and starts spending lots of time in bathroom stalls, just like Kelly used to.

We're back at the bowling alley, whose parking lot is full of BMW's just like all bowling alleys. Meanwhile, the lacrosse teacher and Kelly are on their date. He mentions wanting to meet her son and she gets really uncomfortable as the pedo flag goes up in her brain. Then my phone rang and I had to answer it, so two minutes later and Silver is practically begging mama Wilson to adopt her. Then, Ethan shows up, which is really awkward for Annie since Ty is there. So's the guy whose dad makes pornos. The gang's all here, and they're bowling, bitches! Outside, Annie and Ethan are talking. Ethan is whining like a bitch about how hard his life is, because his divorced parents compete for who can lavish more material goods on him. Then he looks off jealously as Annie walks off with Ty, a real man by comparison. That isn't saying much considering that hairdo of is.

Naomi and Arianna would be there too, but they're cruising around town in Naomi's new ride, looking like trannies. They stop at Naomi's dad's office so she can drop off dinner, only to find him in the parking lot, making out with some skinny whore in a cheap blue dress. Then, Naomi's head explodes as we cut to a commercial.

We're back, and Ty's bragging to Annie about how he knows Chris Brown, which means he'll probably make a guest appearance on the show at some point. Then, Annie's folks try to be cool parents as they free their kids for the evening. Then, the trannies show up and Naomi is once again the center of attention. This time, though, she's not being a bitch as she's too busy crying. This crying works on Ethan as he walks off with Naomi, trying his best not to grab her ass as Annie looks on jealously. We all see where this is going. And now, Ty has to leave, so the girls tag along with the guy's movie night.

We're back with Kelly and the pedo, and he's in some car bitching about how money is evil to a woman who was the Naomi Clark of her generation. Then they start making out and make themselves an official couple.

Now, the night is over, and Silver finally has to go home to her alocholic mom. Of course, this means she's sleeping in her car in the alley behind the Wilson home. Dixon recovers her and she spills all the beans. She admits that she hasn't been home in weeks and that Jackie is just as out of control as she was in 1990, when she had a meltdown at the Mother-Daughter fashion show at WBHHS. Good times. Anyway, Dixon can relate because apparently, he was in some bad foster homes before he came across the Wilsons. He convinces Silver to get his 'rents involved.

The next day is here, and either Naomi and her mom have a beach house, or no one ever told them that Beverly Hills is landlocked. Either way, Naomi tells her mom about the whore in the cheap dress. Mom says that she knows, and that the whore's name is Gail. She doesn't seem to really care as the gravy train that is papa Clark is extra rich and creamy, but mostly extra rich.

And FINALLY, we see the return of drunk Jackie, a moment 18 years in the making, and she is F L A W L E S S. And by flawless, I mean drunk, bitchy, screamy and evil, as she first makes fun of AA, and then banishes Kelly and Silver from her drunk, botoxed life. It was so exciting that I almost didn't realize that Brenda wasn't in this episode. BOOOOOOO! However, the previews do say that she is coming back next week. Will her bitch colors finally show? Will Silver like living with Kelly? Will Naomi start doing lines of coke off her biology textbook? Only time will tell, and I'll be back next week to tell you all about it.