Review: 90210 Season 1, Episode 2

It's Tuesday night, and that means it's time for more of the new 90210!

We start out in the Walsh, I mean Wilson kitchen. Everyone has a busy day and leaves Mama Wilson to sit there and probably contemplate pill addiction as the clan starts its second week in the 90210. Then we quickly cut to West Beverly High, where Ethan is checking on 90210's bitch princess Naomi. She says she's fine, but in a really bitchy way that means she isn't. She then proves that her musical taste is rancid as she's going to a Coldplay concert. Then we see Kelly and the lacrosse teacher flirting in the halls, like the professionals that they are. Then, we see Annie and Ty, who has morphed into Zac Efron, discuss their next date...which Annie doesn't get to go on, because the Wilsons are going bowling instead. It appears that Mama Wilson has chosen to arrange a family night over getting a prescrption for Xanax. Oh well, maybe next week.

Got that? That was the first five minutes. As we return from the commercial, Silver (Kelly's little sis) is trying to sleep at a shelter because mama Jackie is long since off the wagon. The counselor there isn't having it as the place is reserved for people who "really don't have a place to stay". Then she tries Kelly, but she already had plans to bang the lacrosse teacher, so Silver's SOL.

Meanwhile, Ty and Ethan are awkwardly talking with Annie as she tries to break her date. Ethan slinks off as Ty stands there looking really pretty and not acting much.

It's Friday after school, and Dixon is asking Silver to the Wilson family night, and since she wants to avoid her alcoholic mom, she accepts.

Then, Naomi, who is bringing back big 1980's hair, repeats the old Kelly Taylor storyline of getting to do something with her workaholic father, then getting let down at the last second because of some merger, resulting in an expensive guilt gift. In this case, it's a Coldplay concert and the present is a brand new BMW SUV, just like the trophy mom has. It's only a matter of time before Naomi discovers another 1980's pastime, cocaine, and starts spending lots of time in bathroom stalls, just like Kelly used to.

We're back at the bowling alley, whose parking lot is full of BMW's just like all bowling alleys. Meanwhile, the lacrosse teacher and Kelly are on their date. He mentions wanting to meet her son and she gets really uncomfortable as the pedo flag goes up in her brain. Then my phone rang and I had to answer it, so two minutes later and Silver is practically begging mama Wilson to adopt her. Then, Ethan shows up, which is really awkward for Annie since Ty is there. So's the guy whose dad makes pornos. The gang's all here, and they're bowling, bitches! Outside, Annie and Ethan are talking. Ethan is whining like a bitch about how hard his life is, because his divorced parents compete for who can lavish more material goods on him. Then he looks off jealously as Annie walks off with Ty, a real man by comparison. That isn't saying much considering that hairdo of is.

Naomi and Arianna would be there too, but they're cruising around town in Naomi's new ride, looking like trannies. They stop at Naomi's dad's office so she can drop off dinner, only to find him in the parking lot, making out with some skinny whore in a cheap blue dress. Then, Naomi's head explodes as we cut to a commercial.

We're back, and Ty's bragging to Annie about how he knows Chris Brown, which means he'll probably make a guest appearance on the show at some point. Then, Annie's folks try to be cool parents as they free their kids for the evening. Then, the trannies show up and Naomi is once again the center of attention. This time, though, she's not being a bitch as she's too busy crying. This crying works on Ethan as he walks off with Naomi, trying his best not to grab her ass as Annie looks on jealously. We all see where this is going. And now, Ty has to leave, so the girls tag along with the guy's movie night.

We're back with Kelly and the pedo, and he's in some car bitching about how money is evil to a woman who was the Naomi Clark of her generation. Then they start making out and make themselves an official couple.

Now, the night is over, and Silver finally has to go home to her alocholic mom. Of course, this means she's sleeping in her car in the alley behind the Wilson home. Dixon recovers her and she spills all the beans. She admits that she hasn't been home in weeks and that Jackie is just as out of control as she was in 1990, when she had a meltdown at the Mother-Daughter fashion show at WBHHS. Good times. Anyway, Dixon can relate because apparently, he was in some bad foster homes before he came across the Wilsons. He convinces Silver to get his 'rents involved.

The next day is here, and either Naomi and her mom have a beach house, or no one ever told them that Beverly Hills is landlocked. Either way, Naomi tells her mom about the whore in the cheap dress. Mom says that she knows, and that the whore's name is Gail. She doesn't seem to really care as the gravy train that is papa Clark is extra rich and creamy, but mostly extra rich.

And FINALLY, we see the return of drunk Jackie, a moment 18 years in the making, and she is F L A W L E S S. And by flawless, I mean drunk, bitchy, screamy and evil, as she first makes fun of AA, and then banishes Kelly and Silver from her drunk, botoxed life. It was so exciting that I almost didn't realize that Brenda wasn't in this episode. BOOOOOOO! However, the previews do say that she is coming back next week. Will her bitch colors finally show? Will Silver like living with Kelly? Will Naomi start doing lines of coke off her biology textbook? Only time will tell, and I'll be back next week to tell you all about it.