Review: 90210 Season 1, Episode 3: "Breathe Through Your Ass And Reach To The Skies!"

We start our third week back in the 90210 in the Wilson kitchen, again. The drama teacher had some family emergency and had to leave, opening the door for Brenda to be offered the position. Of course, Naked Old Slut Actress Grandma volunteers herself with some over-the-top montage about breathing through her ass, reaching up to the sky, and boffing her drama coach.

Then, Naomi is preparing for a family portrait. The Clarks are doing their Holiday photo early so that Naomi's little sis, who is away in Europe at boarding school, can be photoshopped in. How 21st century! Naomi is both bringing the 80s back and being a bitch as she's still upset about her Dad Charles' side whore, Gail. She even gives her best Whatevia as the camera is going.



Mom Tracy explains to her that she doesn't care if Charles has a fling. Meanwhile, it becomes painfully obvious that the actresses playing mother and daughter are probably less than ten years apart in real life.

Meanwhile, at WBHHS, Kelly and Brenda are having an anorexic's breakfast in the cafeteria (Kelly has a small fruit salad and coffee, and Brenda is showing the restraint to pass on that fattening slice of Kiwi fruit and just having that coffee. Their small talk about Donna Martin and her baby was far more interesting than the small talk about Kelly and Ryan (Coach Emo). Her main beef is that he's ten years younger than her, but Brenda is more concerned about Kelly's still-unknown baby daddy getting in the way.

Meanwhile, Naomi and Ethan are talking outside, and she's naturally upset over affairs at home. Ethan shows his sensitive side by reminding her that just because he's listening doesn't mean that they're a couple. He's probably thinking of the BJ he got from another girl in his car a few weeks ago instead of Naomi standing there and crying all over her ridiculously 80's'd-out self.

In the parking lot, Dixon just banged into someone else's car while trying to park his SUV into a compact spot. He begs the other guy to do this outside the insurance companies so that his dad doesn't find out, which the other guy is fine with, as long as he can have the money in two weeks.

Then we see Kelly and Coach Emo in the hall. He's being a professional again and asking her out between classes. She's having trouble finding someone to watch her son, Sammy, giving Coach Emo an in to ask about the baby daddy. Kelly reveals that he's abroad, and also reveals, less convincingly, that he's a "do-gooder". Apparently, do-gooders like to abandon their families to do charity work. Kelly tells Emo that she'll try to dump the kid on someone trustworthy so that they could maybe get a little.

Annie runs into Ty in the hall and he apologizes for ditching her at the bowling alley. He then asks her out again, but she tells him no as she's already agreed to go out on a date with someone else. Ty is understandably hurt, and takes the hint and leaves.

Then, we see Naomi beg Silver not to blog about Charles' affair with Gail the whore. Remember that Silver won't forgive Naomi for blabbing about Drunk Jackie in the 8th grade, so Naomi has got a whole lot of ass licking to do. She starts by saying that she can relate now that she's no longer from the perfect family, but Silver isn't having it.

Then we're in rehearsals for the school's production of "Spring Awakening", the play that one of my favorite performers, Steffi D, is currently in the national touring production of (as Ilse!). The chorus is singing "Mama Who Bore Me", and Steffi D is probably somewhere going "WTF?" as Naked Slut Grandma Wilson is having a diva fit and telling the girls to sing like their vaginae are on fire. She then horrifies them more singing and dancing the song herself. This prompts Annie to beg papa Wilson to replace her, making a nice opening for Brenda to step in.

Then, Dixon does the predictable Brandon Walsh thing and gets a job at the Peach Pit, evidently using Brandon's exact resume when HE applied for the job back in 1990. Two things are different:

1) The Pit is now a coffee house.
2) Nat is really, REALLY old.

It's after school now, and Silver and Annie are at the Peach Pit. Silver is trying to no avail to convince Annie that Ethan isn't over Naomi and that she's an idiot for blowing Ty off (rather than simply blowing him). It is then where they discover Dixon is working there.

Back at Casa Wilson, Dixon tells the 'rents about the new job, which is fine with them as long as it doesn't interfere with school or practice, which of course means it will interfere a lot. Boring! Less boring is what's going on over at the Clarks'. Naomi is star-sixty-nining Charles' Blackberry, and finds out that Gail is still in LA and working at some boutique, making Naomi's head explode for the second time in as many weeks.

Later that week, Silver and Dixon are cramming for a science exam. OMG DIXON IS FALLING BEHIND IN SCHOOL!!!111!!shift-one!! SHOCKER!!!!

Meanwhile, Naomi's at Ethan's place, trying to be needy. Instead, she walks in on Ethan's brother, who is autistic, upset over the furniture being rearranged by the new housecleaners. Naomi stops being a bitch long enough to work her magic and calm Steven down. This marks Naomi's first moment of depth since the show began. Until you realize that this is making Ethan miss his date with Annie.

I was kind of hoping she'd remain shallow. ROBBED!

Back at rehearsals, Slut Grandma is screeching at Annie so much that Brenda has to calm her down by playing back the recording (she likes to record rehearsals). However, Slut Grandma realizes what a bitch she's been and quits the show, leaving Brenda to be the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge).

Back at school, Emo is helping Brenda with the music for Spring Awakening when he tries to pry for info, which she is not having at all. All she says is that "there's a long history" and that's it.

You know what? There are too many really, really short scenes on this show.

Later on, on Rodeo Drive, Naomi walks in on Gail's boutique and confronts her. During this confrontation, Naomi learns that not only is this more than a fling, but that Charles has moved Gail into the beach house.

And Tracy...didn't know. Clark implosion, commence.

And now for a longer scene where Silver is flirting with Dixon until he finally asks her out. Good for them, it's just like Brandon and Kelly 2.0. Only in this version, Brandon forgets that there's an exam the next morning and doesn't know the material when the tests are passed out the next morning.

Meanwhile, Emo is telling Kelly that he thinks there's "unfinished business" between her and Baby Daddy. She's pissed because she thinks Brenda blabbed to Emo about her. Upon confronting Brenda, Brenda also suggests that Kelly still has feelings for 'him'. After more arguing, it is finally revealed that the identity of the baby daddy is....drum roll please....


DYLAN MCKAY!!! SQUEEEEEEEE!111!!!!eleven!!!uno!!!



Now, Dixon's boring storyline is being resolved. He cuts back on the shifts and studies more, and Dad lends him the money to pay back the damage to the car. The other guy is so grateful that Dixon came through that they become BFFs, making Silver think that maybe she and Naomi can be friends again. Yes, the writing is that bad, but that's what we all loved about 90210.

Speaking of bad writing, Annie is now trying to get Ty's forgiveness with homemade Snicker Doodles, which is not working. She then realizes that the quickest way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, but through his dick as she kisses him. That works.

Naomi realizes the same thing and kisses Ethan back into her life. I guess her first trip to a nighclub bathroom stall without peeing is going to be delayed for a while.

And that's the show. I liked that Brenda is back, but hated that Drunk Jackie wasn't on this week. The coming attractions look to be on the juicy side, though...it looks like Annie's gonna have to put out next week! Which means she almost does but doesn't!!! OMGELEVEN!!! See you next week!!!one!!!!